Marcus' Mind is a Scary Place
by GoodKing0
Summary: A trip in the mind of one of the Volturi. (WARNINGS: ONE-SHOT. PARODY. SWEARING.)


**A N: Stephaney Mayer carries the burden of being the owner of the Twilight """Saga""", I (fortunately) do not.**

* * *

><p>Bored.<p>

Like, over eight thousands bored.

Like, you just don't understand how much fucking _BORED_ I am.

I mean... I mean... I was in my room, minding my own business, wallowing in my pit of self-misery and despair, when that Idiot of my Brother in Law barges in with that annoying high-pitched laugh of his and tells me: "_Marcus, old chap, me and Caius want to dispense some old fashioned retribution on a clan of unruly vampires in the states and were planning to bring the whole court with us, so you better start packing!_" and before I know what the hell is happening, we're swimming our way toward the states.

And no, I'm not joking, we've been _literally _swimming our way toward the states because (And I'm quoting Caius on this one) "_As a superior race we should not sully ourselves with any other kind of human transport then our bodies..."_

Idiot.

Well, at least we're on dry land now, running our way through the American countryside...

It gives you time to think.

For example, why the hell couldn't Aro let me keep the girl? She was his own sister, for God's sake, and it's not like he needed us that much and instead NO, he had to...

Hey, is that the World's Largest Ball of Yarn?

Uh, I wanna see it! Wanna see it! Wanna see it!

God, it's so... Awesome!

I've always desired...

Oh, it's gone.

...

Well, whatever... What was I talking about?

Oh, yes, why the hell did the idiot have to bring the whole fucking court with him? And I'm not only talking about the honour guard and whatnot, I'm talking about the secretaries, the night watch, the blood hounds, the hunters of shadows, the elite mooks, the inspectors...

Hell, he's even bringing the wives!

The fucking wives!

It's a miracle he didn't force me to carry Didyme's urn!

And why?

...

Now that I think of it, why the hell are we going against those guys again?

...

...

...

No idea.

Bah, whatever, I'll end up giving them a favourable vote as always just to piss Aro and Caius off...

Hey, we stopped.

Why did we stop?

We're in a... clearing and...

...

No.

No fucking way.

I don't...

Believe...

(Wow those are really large dogs)...

It.

We're bringing justice against the Cullens.

...

Because OF COURSE we had to bring justice to the Cullens.

I mean, why SHOULDN'T we bring justice against the Cullens? I mean, they have such AWESOME powers and the world so CLEARLY revolves around them and...

And oh look, those idiots even have... Thing, guy, the Spanish one, whatever, that one guy who abandoned us and still got the girl...

Whatever, it's not like I care or anything, I mean, he's power was WAY BETTER than mine or Didyme's, why would have Aro killed his girlfriend too like he did to me?

Whatever.

Dick.

...

Oh, look, Shovel Face has turned his girlfriend into the bloodsucking, soulless monster she already was.

How romantic.

Why are we here again?

...

No idea.

Oh, wait, is that a vampire child?

...

HOLLY CRAP, THAT'S A VAMPIRE CHILD!

KILL IT! KILL IT WITH FIRE!

WHY THE HELL IS SHE STILL BREATHING?!

KILL THAT...

...

Yeah, why the hell is she breathing?

Oh, it turned out she was just some sort of hybrid, false alarm then, we're just dealing with an abomination that defies all laws of nature and vampirism, not a vampire child...

Speaking of which does she have a name?

...

Should I ask for her name?

...

Nah, who cares, I'd probably forget it, I'll just call her Morbius the Living Vampire, daughter of Shovel Face and the Soulless Monster commonly known as Bella...

And yes, Shovel Face, I know you can hear everything I'm thinking about right now, and I sincerely don't care.

For example, now I'm thinking about your pretty little wife as she's being throat fucked by one of your dogs before Aro decides to kill her in cold blood because, and I'm quoting him, "_It was for your own good, friend, your love for my sister was slowly corrupting you! I had to kill her in cold blood despite the fact that I've let every other vampire's girlfriend live or had at least the decency to kill them together!_"

I mean, why the hell did he have to kill her, I'm not really that powerful or important!

I mean, yes, I was canonized by the church, but I really don't see how this...

And Caius has just killed a blonde.

...

(I wonder if is still open Clemente's offer to become the new Pope... Pope St. Marcus I does have such a nice ring to it, doesn't it...?)

...

Okay, whatever, like I care...

...

You know, I'm severely tempted to give those idiots a negative vote and get them killed.

I mean, let's face it, it's basically their entire fault if Aro has casted his gaze on them.

Actually, is all Shovel Face fault.

Seriously, we have:

1- Soulless Monster "dies", therefore Shovel Face, wrecked with guilt, has the bright idea to come to us and demand for his death (Seriously, why us? Why couldn't he, I don't know, go on some other vampire couple turf and start eating his cattle, the other vampires notices and kills him? It's not like you need more of 2 vampires to kill another one...)

2- He expects Aro to do the merciful thing and end his suffering, something I know from personal experience he would never do (He's a bastard that way...)

3- Not happy with this and having finally caught Aro's attention, he has the bright idea to disrupt my Holly Day (MY Holly Day, for God's sake! Not Aro's, Not Caius', Mine!) by doing a strip tease in the middle of the town square, right in front of MY church and countless of joyful children!

4- Still not happy with that he REFUSES to turn Soulless Monster into... Well, a Soulless Monster.

5- He's a dick to Aro.

So, you see...

...

Wait a minute, who the hell am I talking with?

Oh, yeah, Shovel Face...

So, you see...

Uh, wait, I have to vote...

"_I see no immediate danger. The child is safe enough for now. We can always revaluate later. Let us leave in peace._"

Which basically means: "_I don't fucking care what you two do with that abomination of yours as long as you two don't do it in front of me_"

Bah, whatever, now let's have Aro vote and get on with...

Oh, for God's sake, what now?

...

Pixie Girl? What the hell do you...? Wait, is that another Abomination against Vampirism and Nature? What? Who the hell are those new guys? Why are they here?

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?

...

Okay, it turns out there's a vampire who really gets around out there...

And I already know that we'll end up in _yet another_ useless trip in order to track him down.

Ugh.

Bah, fine, whatever, like I care...

Oh, it seems we're moving...

Wait, why are we moving?

WHY ARE YOU NOT KILLING THEM, ARO?

Are you really telling me that we've literally swam all my way from Italy, along with the whole fucking court, started this stupid witch hunting against the Cullens and MISSED MY FUCKING CARTOONS only to came here, talk in the middle of a fucking clearing and then return home?

...

Seriously, Aro?

Seriously?

...

Well, at least I finally got to see the World's Greatest Ball of Yarn.

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><p><strong>A N 2: EXPLANATION: I've read Twilight.<strong>

**And not just Twilight the book, I literally read the whole saga.**

**And I hated it.**

**HOWEVER, for all of their faults, the Twilight books managed to get something right.**

**Like Marcus.**

**Oh, and Leah Clearwater. Let's not forget about Leah Clearwater.**

**Now, I particularly liked Marcus' character because, unlike his counterpart in the movies, he has only ONE LINE.**

**ONE LINE.**

**The rest of the time, he's usually described as looking bored, almost like he didn't care about what was happening in front of him, basically just wanting whatever shit Aro or the Cullens were pulling to get on with it so that he could return to more interesting maters.**

**He was basically a stand in for the Male Readers as much as Leah Clearwater was a stand-in for Twilight Haters.**

**How could I not like him?**


End file.
